WCM Forum - Kommt ein Mann zum Arzt...

Für die, die gutes Englisch können

OPTUS AND TELSTRA ARE THE 2 LEADING TELECOMMUNICATION COMPANIES IN AUSTRALIA (beside Vodafone now)

This is an Actual Complaint Letter Received at Optus.

Dear Cretins,

I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up
for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone.
During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either
pursue your professional perogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -
or, more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
vendor-coffee on the Bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice,
resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for
your technician to arrive.

When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57 minutes on my
mobile phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website.... er, how exactly when my modem has been disconnected? I alleviated
the boredom to
some small degree by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an
activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.

The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a
drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still
not arrived. After several further telephone calls (actually 15 telephone
calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived... a total of six weeks after I had
requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly
35%...these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend.

I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9
telephone calls on my mobile to your no-help line this week, and have been
unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it
seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line
is available (and someone will call me back);

that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back);

that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been cut off);

that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone
line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me
that your office is closed);

that I will be transferred to someone who
knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected
to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on
this theme).

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one
of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I
don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations
in print than to shout
them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought TELSTRA were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot
of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be
more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to their customers.

That's why I chose Optus, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower
of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended
rectum - incompetents of the highest order.

TELSTRA - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the
filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy
quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise,
and cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief - although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated
during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time
of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you
did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus,
and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life,
you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Rgds,

Adam Olsen